Yeah you told me that you needed to take a break, but was I wrong for telling you that I wasn’t ready to deal with this relationship. You took it the wrong way when I said that I think we should break up. Tears started to seep through your pupils and your blood started to boil, yet a part of me still wanted to be with you, however my mind confused was telling me otherwise. “You need someone better than me,” I said to you, those were not the words you wanted to hear. Your voice became slightly raised and mines as well. What the hell was I thinking telling you that I loved you, when in reality I was more concerned about myself.
I was a selfish individual and I did not acknowledge your being. You tried hard to be by my side yet I wasn’t even making an attempt. We scorned each other setting more fire to an already existing flame. With every attempt to extinguish it I lit it back up. When I told you I wanted you, when I told you I was serious about this relationship your eyes glittered. You were ready for someone that for once had the same mind frame as you, but how was I to know that within my heart that would all be a lie. With every email I send it was a constant remind of how I missed you, but with every email replied it was a reminder of how I wasn’t ready to give what you wanted.
For days I tried to deal with my personal issues, yet I could not get you off my mind. Letting you know I cared I made videos to expressed my gratitude, however knowing the distance between us was killing me my conscience was knocking on my mental door. Tossing and turning at night all I could think about was your voice how sweet it rung in my ears, but I could also see your face. Dark skinned, brown eyes, locs down your back, water dripping on the floor because I said those dreaded two words, “It’s over.” I gave you my word in that car, I told you I would never leave you, but what am I to do when the tables turn and you decide to leave me. Time became a factor and we only been involved for two months of it. Suggesting a break was something new for you, but it was something that was needed. For some reason though I didn’t like the idea of me not speaking to you, I didn’t like you scaling back to reserve feelings, to reserve your heart. How could you tell me you were in love with me and then just up and disappear?
How stupid was I to think that maybe this could have been real; how stupid was I to have tried something I wasn’t ready for. You told, you showed me, but you hurt me and loved me all the same. My mind is in a daze and I’m lost in this maze, maybe I need you to help me find my way out, or it is to late? Have you already shut the door to our love, was “I’m in love with you” too much for me to hear? I honestly been thinking about giving up, but something inside me is holding on, we don’t know what’s right from wrong, however we still stand strong. Thus I’m asking you can we still move on. I need you to rescue me but how can you do that when I don’t trust, when I’m so closed off to the world. Will you be my girlfriend? Will you be able to be patient with me and love me? Or am I just setting myself for failure?
I love you and I know that I should have been more forward but let it be known that I am ready but,
I hate people, the ways in which they can act like they’re your friends when in reality they don’t give a fuck about you. People have no respect for feelings, they talk behind your back as if you are not right in front of them, pathetic souls hell bound. Who can you trust in this world anymore? Can it be a girlfriend, friends, family, a stranger even? I say no one, no one can be trusted everyone will fail you except God but even he doesn’t answer at times, and even he makes me sick knowing that he is all love but yet I feel nothing but a burning sensation in my heart that’s want to kill and demolish all those that don’t give a fuck. Ahh, people those of you who claim they care don’t really give a fuck. All you do is want to bring me down, bring each other down, talk about how great your life is and laugh at other. Fuck you all. The world was constructed to be beautiful yet we people have made it ugly. I pity people and this existence, sometimes I wish I were dead, away from this place. Maybe suicide should have been a calling, taking that knife and cutting my throat watching the hot liquid drip from my body as the devil takes my soul to his eternal cave, because God gave you life so if you take your own your going to hell, but why is that if God loves you so much can he not save you? You have to save yourself from yourself and this happens to be the case. People don’t give a fuck if you’re dead or if you alive. No one takes the time to even consider how one is doing but is quick to tell how that person is negative and makes them sick, well you all make me sick and I pity you all. God as my witness, in fact no I can’t even believe in him, so myself as my witness let this be a lesson to me that my short existence living that no one or nobody can help me because they can’t help themselves. Hate has become me and death upon all you that feel they care but yet continue to lie in my face… Fuck you…
Hate, this is what I feel when I think about you. About the all the stories that are being told in this place. When I look at you I pity your grounds and your streets, you subways, and food. I think of better places to be where there aren’t this many buildings, where the sun is always shining, and people look civilized and dress proper.
Hate is how I feel when I get up in the morning and opening my window. Sucking in the polluted air I start to cough and spit saliva from my mouth down to the concrete below. Why did I have to live here? What purpose is meant to be accomplished? Our Mayor doesn’t give a fuck about you or me, however we worship Giants and Knickerbockers as if they were Gods, but we don’t take the time to stop gun violence and promote education. You know what I heard, I heard that this hated place closed down fifty schools, and that millions of people went to a sporting goods store to collect shirts and hats with that NY painted in Blue and White to celebrate.
Damn let’s watch the man gets money down on Wall Street while the protesters complain about being the 99th percent, and you wonder why I hate here. Rat infested streets and homeless on every corner begging for a bite to eat, while people wait on fifth avenue for the next Steve Job’s invention or the next Jordan sneaker. Females push carriages, carrying Longchamp and Louis Vuttion, dudes trying to be fly sagging Levis, and snapped back hats. Damn look at all the yellow cabs. Excuse me sir you just pushed me. All this and people still love it here. Why should I continue to wish and hope that something good will come out of this dump? Oh shit here comes a kid asking for money to support his basketball team again,not those damn Mexicans again, are those kids breaking dancing in the street? Everyday is the same old shit and nothing changes because…
The day for lovers is a day of pain and suffering, heart being ripped like a piece of paper,while flowers of compassion float around like wind in the air. What the fuck is this day? Nothing more than a mistake that someone who was madly in love created.
Dedicated to a Saint Valentine, lover of all, but yet did he realized that love hurts all the more. What is this term love? This word we humans throw around like a football and stupid people catch feeling like they’re running for a touchdown, it’s nothing but a fake emotional feed. Humans fiend to eat on it. Love is a food for thought, we all want it, we thrive on having it yet don’t know how to show it, more so abuse it.
You think that giving flowers, candy, and cards on one fucking day is a justification for “loving” someone. Hell no its just a means of “thinking about you” nothing more than that. After the day is over do you continue to love fully and put as much effort as you did on 2/14, doubts inquire don’t they.
Do I personally hate the day, No, but is it a waste of time yes. Love sucks and if you never fully been in love like myself it sucks more. You don’t care to understand the principles of this emotion, this feeling, all you want to do is erase it from your heart like a pencil against a scantron when you realize you marked in the wrong bubble.
My heart is broken, so I have lost the urge to feel again, yet she came into my life and tried to revamp me, my heart is telling me to love, but my mind is telling me not to fall into the pit of fire, love burns into your mental. You never forget that heart break from another, you sit and wonder why it happen the way it did, why he/she hurt you. Then what the hell do you know, that day, that Valentine shit comes around again, and like most humans who thought love was real you wallow in your head and hold your heart dead in your lifeless hands, wishing that someone would have took the time to appreciate you, like they do on Valentine’s Day…
I am ashamed to be born in such an era where sneakers are more important than school, an era where kids try to be fly instead of passing a test. Yeah I can completely understand why kids would hate school; its because many of their friends go and get these degrees and they have nothing to show for it, no money, no job, no life for pretty much that matter, but that doesn’t change the fact that somewhere down the line all that school work will have paid off (somewhere).
I must admit that as a young 25 year old Black male living in NYC that our young generation is fairly stupid. Who is to blame though, Is it the parents? Or the kids themselves? What kids me is that its a majority of African-American and Spanish kids that are the worst. Not to make up stereotypical but its true we get a bad rap, its because there is no values instilled in our youth, their parent tell them to be what they want to be but don’t push them, however they spoil them giving them money to buy Jordans and Foams, and for what reason so their child be flyer than the next child.
We have a Black president but what different does that make, the United States is a fucked up nation and our youth have a lot to deal with that. They don’t do nothing, they don’t work, don’t go to school, they just sit around on their asses and try to look cute and it makes me sick to my damn stomach. Now granted if you are working than you are entitled to buy what ever the hell you want, but if you are working (illegally) than your wasting your time. This is exactly why Republicans talk so bad about the poor (African-American/Spanish) people because look at how we are raising our children.
This generation is more worried about when Lil Wayne or Jay-Z is dropping an album or having a concert than reading a damn book. Anyone remember that video, “Read-A-Book” on BET how true was the message but I’m sure no one took the time to listen or understand it but I’m sure they thought it was so funny. Everything is funny to our youth, all the want to do is CHILL, you know smoke weed, fuck, have babies, talk shit, and stand on the block. Well what else is there to do when that’s all you know?
As a college grad and a graduate student it bothers me that people just always talk about our youth but don’t do shit to help them. You cannot not resolve the problem if you continue to talk about it. It hurts though that as a college student and graduate student I have to struggle but hey life is rough, but its not that rough if these kids are getting all this money to be fly but yet don’t even know how to use the correct spelling in a text message or even professionally.
Maybe its our fault you know everyone, I think people are too comfortable with themselves that they don’t want to do shit, and yes I know it hurts when you try and try and nothing happens, but look at us we are pathetic and we have become okay with this. Its so sad that I am part of this generation because nothing seems to come good out of it, nothing more but a whole bunch of media talk and political talk about how to better keep us down, well shit we’re already keeping ourselves down…
What am I doing, sitting her looking at myself in the reflection of the mirror. Shattered feelings and emotions continue to run through my veins and it hurts me, it hurts that I couldn’t be the dude that was to be your best friend. Yes I fucked up I left you there in the rain without an umbrella to get soaked with all my words, all my false truths. Like a bee I buzzed in your ear lovely things to get you going, yet I abused your body and played with you like a rag doll.
Later on down the line I realized how much you meant to me, it was too late. By this time I had fallen in love with another, you didn’t care for her, you wanted to believe that I had changed, yet I didn’t. Becoming sick to your stomach you threw me up, all the love and emotions went down the toilet, you flushed whatever feelings you had left for me. Was I too blame for lusting you when you yourself were lusting me?
It is a stupid mistake people make confusing love with lust. We know they are not one in the same yet we tell ourselves to believe it is. What we had wasn’t a friendship, it my dear was pure lust and nothing more. We scarred each other, we ripped apart slowly our heart’s skin letting it slowly leak. How was I to know that I would eventually fall for you and have to decide between our friendship and my new found love.
It was a hard decision but I couldn’t lie to you anymore. The secrets became too much, I was playing hide and seek when you already found me. There was nothing more I could say or do to change the topic. You felt used and abused; you felt like a whore, hoe, a slut. No one could ever love you is all that rung in your mind. However after all I did I wanted to love you, but you didn’t want me to. You wanted to diminish all that we had, you wanted to set fire to the rain that crept down you dark black cheeks.
Now you’re there sitting on your bed looking at all the contains I have given you. You thrown them into the closet, you no longer want any pieces of me. Like a paper shredder you start to dispose of it. Was I ever worth your love? Was it even worth trying?
All I wanted to do was be your friend, but I cut a little bit too deep this time.
Its late,cold, and raining. I’m sitting in my mother blue Ford Focus waiting for the Chinatown bus back to New York City. Its a cool night in Raleigh but the wind is picking up, Mother Nature seems to be upset tonight. Water is pounding the car, the tears of the sky slide down the windows. My bus was suppose to be here at 11pm it is now 11:30. “Where the hell is the bus I say.” Looking at my cousin and mother their facial expression are saying the same things. Across the highway I see a white bus passing by but wasn’t too sure if that could have been mine.
Looking at my ticket again I come to realize that we were at the wrong address. The location of the bus was across the street. Not knowing they moved the bus stop we drive to the correct location. Mother Nature has calmed herself yet it is still wet.
Not knowing if I was going to be stuck or not I decided to call the office. A Chinese lady picks up and I hand my Blackberry to my mother as she speaks about trying to get on the 1am bus. Kindly the lady told my mother that I could so again the waiting game.
As we waited we all just listened to the radio laughing and joking about whatever. Again the bus is late, its about. 1:30 now. Finally a red bus pulls up in front of the location. I say my good byes and on I go. I’m tired but happy that the bus is rather empty. Finding an seat wasn’t a problem. Towards the back I go sitting and relaxing. However the bus is dingy and old, seat are ripped and floors are sticky. It doesn’t matter to me I just want to get home.
As the bus cruises alone the highway I think about yesterday’s events. These constant reminders are lingering in my mind but putting them aside I close my eyes.
When I wake up we are pulling into some run down Motel in which I forgot the name. The lights illuminate my pupils and as I wipe crust all I hear is , “everyone move to the next bus please.” Across from us is the white bus I was suppose to been on at 11pm. As me and the other passengers moved on to the next bus we all came to find out it was crowded.
Enetering the bus is nobody. Again another dingy bus this time with more people. The Chinese dude with a white shirt and some blue jeans taps me and says, ” You need to put you bag under,” I looked at him in digust, ” I’ll put it on top like I did on the other bus.” He let me continue on my way. Moving my way to the back this lady comes to realized she forgot her luggage so she decides to move her big self towards me and squeeze her way through. I’m pissed.
Walking towards the back I see people laid out sleep and not about to get up to move. Kindly I ask someone if I could sit down. Its a white dude in a grey sweat suit he moves and I sit. Suddenly a brief altercation breaks out between the Chinese bus driver and a white dude behide me protaining to a seat. The white dude had claimed that the two seats next to him were wet. Apparently there was a leak in the bus from the rain. The Chinese dude was trying to hear that, ” You paid for 1 seat and you holding up two,” he said. “Oh, fuck outta here the seats is wet, No one got up when I switched buses before so why the fuck should I get up for him.” The Chinese dude is pissed and not in the mood.
Suddenly a black female wearing some jeans and a grey shirt and a head scarf looks back and says, ” Yo shut the fuck up and move, I got to be to work in the morning.” The white dude is not happy with her tone of voice, ” Bitch you don’t know me. I got friends in Brownsville that will dig your ass in the ground who you be with.” She looks at the white dude and yells, ” I’m with the Chinatown connection so you better move the fuck over.” Me and the dude with the grey sweat suit just laugh. Finally dude in the back decides to me and we leave…
Sometimes I think I love too hard, when I give my hand to you, you snatch back, you seem to want my love and affection yet my passion maybe a bit too overrated. Am I giving too much, too fast? The questions that linger in my mind when I speak to you seem to scare me.
I told myself I was ready for a woman of your caliber, yet my conscience is telling me other things, things that I don’t want to mention but need to be revealed. I love you yes and I’m not afraid to mention it, however it is for good reason.
You make me smile, you light up my day. Seeing your face everyday makes me glow, its as if you light up a flame in my heart and it continues to shine, however you tell me you feel the same but is it how you’re really feeling.
Everything comes in due time so I wait patiently for you love, but am I a fool to be loving so stronger so soon? Am I wrong for feeling that I have kept these locked feelings in my chest draw and am now ready to expose them to you?
Maybe I should fall back some, maybe I need to just go with the flow, that of typical for you, that’s what your used too, but I will not be considered that individual, I want to be more. You tell me this, as I want to believe you its hard when you facial expressions say other wise.
Trust is like a stool if its tight it won’t wobble and break, but if one screw is missing your fall and break it. What is the importance of that word because the meaning has slowly deminished turing into crumbs thrown on the ground for birds to pick at.
I want to trust you, but I don’t like to see you upset, I have upset so many before and it has caused hate. I don’t want you to hate me,but, I want you to accept me as that person you want to see forever…
Now hate has a strong hold on my mind as well. The constant struggle between love and hate seems to torment me. I want to love but when you love someone seems to hate you because you hurt them. That girl loved me but now she hates me and even more so because I’m giving you all the love she wanted, all the love that she felt she needed.
So should I hate myself for not giving her the love that I’m giving you? Should I have exposed my true self with her knowing her for a year? No I exposed my true self with you and its only been 14 days, damn that’s self hate, or is it self love, but what does love and hate have to do with us, with her?
Questions are rare yet not impossible to get, not impossible to expain. I have no explanation as to why you decided to give me a clean slate. I have no explantation as to why I hit, smacked, and cut that poor girl who I should have gave my love too, yet I’m giving it to you.
All I know is that LOVE and HATE seem to be one in the same in my blood, the continuously flow of pain and happiness keep me a flow. Down that river to a land of happiness is what I hope to achieve with you, however, I must say focused because sometimes waters seem to become rather treacherous and a flood can wash away my feelings, my hopes and aspirations, thus again hate comes and a storm of bad feelings, emotions, and thoughts.
Love me is all I ask of you, and I know it will take time. Hate me is what she is doing but healing take times.
My only question is, Do I fall back? Or Will that make you feel like I hate you?
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Concerning Change of Status
17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.
21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. 24 Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.
Concerning the Unmarried
25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong[b] and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.[c]
39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Every morning you get up and look at the lagoon. As the sun rises above you I think of all that you have brought into my life, damn I’m happy to have you. For once maybe I can be happy in this life. I can for once be able to wash away all of the pain and sorrow that came with the past. This is a new feeling, a new stage that I’m ready to perform on. I am ready to cast my role in your heart.
You beautiful actress, this you are. You are my star and I want you to shine for me. Oh baby how I pray that I can be with you always, however you are there on that island taking care of your academic studies, I cannot help but to respect this as it turns me on that your so studious. Soon I will be able to sit in that tub with you listening to Kenny G. Our soft black skin so close and wet that we can feel each other’s chill.
Time is of the essence and time is all I spend with you, so as you study think about me as I continue to think about you my star…
As 2011 ends I think back to all the bullshit that has happen in this past year, and I take it with a grain of salt. licking my wounds I go into 2012 with a new attitude and a new view of the world that surrounds me. Truly I could give a fuck what people will say or do to me come 2012 because it all about me.
For so long I haven’t been taking taking care of myself and I feel that this is well needed. Its about time I became that which I should have been, a man. No longer will words affect my ears which reach down deep into my emotions. For once I will be able to finnally admit to myself my inner being. No more lies to my own face, reflecting on past mistakes.
So 2011 you can personally kiss my ass. You brought me some good friends and enemies, depression, and slight happiness. I personally will never forget all that you have done, you were that person that touched my shoulder and when I looked back wasn’t there.
2012 will better, I can feel it. God as my witness, this will be epic. Enough talking, but more actions will push me up the mountain of greatness and success. No one person will or can diminish my power because I am all strong this year. So 2012 we gonna ride these next 366 days to fullest…
And for those of you that don’t like me, or don’t know me let me introduce myself. I’m Mr. Fucking Esquire H, plain and simple… Enjoy.