What am I doing, sitting her looking at myself in the reflection of the mirror. Shattered feelings and emotions continue to run through my veins and it hurts me, it hurts that I couldn’t be the dude that was to be your best friend. Yes I fucked up I left you there in the rain without an umbrella to get soaked with all my words, all my false truths. Like a bee I buzzed in your ear lovely things to get you going, yet I abused your body and played with you like a rag doll.
Later on down the line I realized how much you meant to me, it was too late. By this time I had fallen in love with another, you didn’t care for her, you wanted to believe that I had changed, yet I didn’t. Becoming sick to your stomach you threw me up, all the love and emotions went down the toilet, you flushed whatever feelings you had left for me. Was I too blame for lusting you when you yourself were lusting me?
It is a stupid mistake people make confusing love with lust. We know they are not one in the same yet we tell ourselves to believe it is. What we had wasn’t a friendship, it my dear was pure lust and nothing more. We scarred each other, we ripped apart slowly our heart’s skin letting it slowly leak. How was I to know that I would eventually fall for you and have to decide between our friendship and my new found love.
It was a hard decision but I couldn’t lie to you anymore. The secrets became too much, I was playing hide and seek when you already found me. There was nothing more I could say or do to change the topic. You felt used and abused; you felt like a whore, hoe, a slut. No one could ever love you is all that rung in your mind. However after all I did I wanted to love you, but you didn’t want me to. You wanted to diminish all that we had, you wanted to set fire to the rain that crept down you dark black cheeks.
Now you’re there sitting on your bed looking at all the contains I have given you. You thrown them into the closet, you no longer want any pieces of me. Like a paper shredder you start to dispose of it. Was I ever worth your love? Was it even worth trying?
All I wanted to do was be your friend, but I cut a little bit too deep this time.
Its late,cold, and raining. I’m sitting in my mother blue Ford Focus waiting for the Chinatown bus back to New York City. Its a cool night in Raleigh but the wind is picking up, Mother Nature seems to be upset tonight. Water is pounding the car, the tears of the sky slide down the windows. My bus was suppose to be here at 11pm it is now 11:30. “Where the hell is the bus I say.” Looking at my cousin and mother their facial expression are saying the same things. Across the highway I see a white bus passing by but wasn’t too sure if that could have been mine.
Looking at my ticket again I come to realize that we were at the wrong address. The location of the bus was across the street. Not knowing they moved the bus stop we drive to the correct location. Mother Nature has calmed herself yet it is still wet.
Not knowing if I was going to be stuck or not I decided to call the office. A Chinese lady picks up and I hand my Blackberry to my mother as she speaks about trying to get on the 1am bus. Kindly the lady told my mother that I could so again the waiting game.
As we waited we all just listened to the radio laughing and joking about whatever. Again the bus is late, its about. 1:30 now. Finally a red bus pulls up in front of the location. I say my good byes and on I go. I’m tired but happy that the bus is rather empty. Finding an seat wasn’t a problem. Towards the back I go sitting and relaxing. However the bus is dingy and old, seat are ripped and floors are sticky. It doesn’t matter to me I just want to get home.
As the bus cruises alone the highway I think about yesterday’s events. These constant reminders are lingering in my mind but putting them aside I close my eyes.
When I wake up we are pulling into some run down Motel in which I forgot the name. The lights illuminate my pupils and as I wipe crust all I hear is , “everyone move to the next bus please.” Across from us is the white bus I was suppose to been on at 11pm. As me and the other passengers moved on to the next bus we all came to find out it was crowded.
Enetering the bus is nobody. Again another dingy bus this time with more people. The Chinese dude with a white shirt and some blue jeans taps me and says, ” You need to put you bag under,” I looked at him in digust, ” I’ll put it on top like I did on the other bus.” He let me continue on my way. Moving my way to the back this lady comes to realized she forgot her luggage so she decides to move her big self towards me and squeeze her way through. I’m pissed.
Walking towards the back I see people laid out sleep and not about to get up to move. Kindly I ask someone if I could sit down. Its a white dude in a grey sweat suit he moves and I sit. Suddenly a brief altercation breaks out between the Chinese bus driver and a white dude behide me protaining to a seat. The white dude had claimed that the two seats next to him were wet. Apparently there was a leak in the bus from the rain. The Chinese dude was trying to hear that, ” You paid for 1 seat and you holding up two,” he said. “Oh, fuck outta here the seats is wet, No one got up when I switched buses before so why the fuck should I get up for him.” The Chinese dude is pissed and not in the mood.
Suddenly a black female wearing some jeans and a grey shirt and a head scarf looks back and says, ” Yo shut the fuck up and move, I got to be to work in the morning.” The white dude is not happy with her tone of voice, ” Bitch you don’t know me. I got friends in Brownsville that will dig your ass in the ground who you be with.” She looks at the white dude and yells, ” I’m with the Chinatown connection so you better move the fuck over.” Me and the dude with the grey sweat suit just laugh. Finally dude in the back decides to me and we leave…
Sometimes I think I love too hard, when I give my hand to you, you snatch back, you seem to want my love and affection yet my passion maybe a bit too overrated. Am I giving too much, too fast? The questions that linger in my mind when I speak to you seem to scare me.
I told myself I was ready for a woman of your caliber, yet my conscience is telling me other things, things that I don’t want to mention but need to be revealed. I love you yes and I’m not afraid to mention it, however it is for good reason.
You make me smile, you light up my day. Seeing your face everyday makes me glow, its as if you light up a flame in my heart and it continues to shine, however you tell me you feel the same but is it how you’re really feeling.
Everything comes in due time so I wait patiently for you love, but am I a fool to be loving so stronger so soon? Am I wrong for feeling that I have kept these locked feelings in my chest draw and am now ready to expose them to you?
Maybe I should fall back some, maybe I need to just go with the flow, that of typical for you, that’s what your used too, but I will not be considered that individual, I want to be more. You tell me this, as I want to believe you its hard when you facial expressions say other wise.
Trust is like a stool if its tight it won’t wobble and break, but if one screw is missing your fall and break it. What is the importance of that word because the meaning has slowly deminished turing into crumbs thrown on the ground for birds to pick at.
I want to trust you, but I don’t like to see you upset, I have upset so many before and it has caused hate. I don’t want you to hate me,but, I want you to accept me as that person you want to see forever…
Now hate has a strong hold on my mind as well. The constant struggle between love and hate seems to torment me. I want to love but when you love someone seems to hate you because you hurt them. That girl loved me but now she hates me and even more so because I’m giving you all the love she wanted, all the love that she felt she needed.
So should I hate myself for not giving her the love that I’m giving you? Should I have exposed my true self with her knowing her for a year? No I exposed my true self with you and its only been 14 days, damn that’s self hate, or is it self love, but what does love and hate have to do with us, with her?
Questions are rare yet not impossible to get, not impossible to expain. I have no explanation as to why you decided to give me a clean slate. I have no explantation as to why I hit, smacked, and cut that poor girl who I should have gave my love too, yet I’m giving it to you.
All I know is that LOVE and HATE seem to be one in the same in my blood, the continuously flow of pain and happiness keep me a flow. Down that river to a land of happiness is what I hope to achieve with you, however, I must say focused because sometimes waters seem to become rather treacherous and a flood can wash away my feelings, my hopes and aspirations, thus again hate comes and a storm of bad feelings, emotions, and thoughts.
Love me is all I ask of you, and I know it will take time. Hate me is what she is doing but healing take times.
My only question is, Do I fall back? Or Will that make you feel like I hate you?
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Concerning Change of Status
17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.
21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. 24 Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.
Concerning the Unmarried
25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong[b] and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.[c]
39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Every morning you get up and look at the lagoon. As the sun rises above you I think of all that you have brought into my life, damn I’m happy to have you. For once maybe I can be happy in this life. I can for once be able to wash away all of the pain and sorrow that came with the past. This is a new feeling, a new stage that I’m ready to perform on. I am ready to cast my role in your heart.
You beautiful actress, this you are. You are my star and I want you to shine for me. Oh baby how I pray that I can be with you always, however you are there on that island taking care of your academic studies, I cannot help but to respect this as it turns me on that your so studious. Soon I will be able to sit in that tub with you listening to Kenny G. Our soft black skin so close and wet that we can feel each other’s chill.
Time is of the essence and time is all I spend with you, so as you study think about me as I continue to think about you my star…
As 2011 ends I think back to all the bullshit that has happen in this past year, and I take it with a grain of salt. licking my wounds I go into 2012 with a new attitude and a new view of the world that surrounds me. Truly I could give a fuck what people will say or do to me come 2012 because it all about me.
For so long I haven’t been taking taking care of myself and I feel that this is well needed. Its about time I became that which I should have been, a man. No longer will words affect my ears which reach down deep into my emotions. For once I will be able to finnally admit to myself my inner being. No more lies to my own face, reflecting on past mistakes.
So 2011 you can personally kiss my ass. You brought me some good friends and enemies, depression, and slight happiness. I personally will never forget all that you have done, you were that person that touched my shoulder and when I looked back wasn’t there.
2012 will better, I can feel it. God as my witness, this will be epic. Enough talking, but more actions will push me up the mountain of greatness and success. No one person will or can diminish my power because I am all strong this year. So 2012 we gonna ride these next 366 days to fullest…
And for those of you that don’t like me, or don’t know me let me introduce myself. I’m Mr. Fucking Esquire H, plain and simple… Enjoy.
When I get home I go to my room. The first thing I notice is my diploma from Binghamton University. There was a time when I wanted to burn it up. All the things I had to deal with during my four years of college could not amount to that one piece of paper. I lie across my bed and start to think again about my session with Lauren. Maybe I was I needed to look at things from a positive perspective but I don’t know. I close my eyes and go to sleep.
When I get up it about twelve in the morning, I don’t feel like myself. After thinking about all my regret in my life I decided to run away. I went down stairs, ripped a piece of paper out of my journal, wrote a note and left my house.
Writing that note was the last stand, I couldn’t take it no more; the issues over money and my past were getting annoying, so I left. Walking out my house I could feel the cool breeze as it crept down my spine. I walked away to search within myself. Down the block I walked to the six train line. Inside the station I noticed bright lights but felt cold emotions. I could feel a shadow over my shoulder telling me to return home. I wouldn’t allow myself to do such a thing; I hate this place, this existence. On the train I sat down. My hands gently caressing my face as people looked at me eyes glaring. There was nowhere to go, no one I could speak to. Even though I had a therapist she was still a stranger. For the first time in my life I was actually alone but I couldn’t endure another night of the harsh words from my grandmother.
Getting off at Canal Street I looked around. It is dark. The wind seems to be picking up tonight and the New York streets are quite. There are a few stranglers here and there but the only thing on my mind is understanding. I walked from Canal Street to the Brooklyn Bridge it’s a beautiful sight. The lights illuminated and the stone structure something divine. I cross the street and start to walk across the bridge. New York looks beautiful at night. I look down at my watch and notice the time, its 2am. The city’s skyline is something great and I start to think back to all the good times I had here. My stomach is rumbling I’m hungry with only twenty dollars in my pocket I try to figure out if there is a place open to eat. I continue on to Brooklyn. The bridge even though unique in its structure is very scary at night. The lights are very dim and since I’m elevated above water it doesn’t make for a very good feeling. “What is my problem?” I tell myself. Body is shivering and hands are cold. Finally in Brooklyn I stare at the buildings as my mind begins to fade. Again my stomach rumbles, I find a local deli store which happen to be open twenty-four hours. I go inside and grab me a bag of Lays and a Pepsi. There was a bench nearby as I walked over I looked up and down as my shadow said hello. Sitting on the bench tears started to slide down my cheeks. I was scared but home was not an option. Opening the bag of Lays I could smell the greasy contents under my nostrils, grabbing a chip I chew it becomes one with my saliva. Opening the Pepsi I hear the sizzle of the carbonated drink. Washing down the salty taste again I am restless.
I want to sleep but my body is tense. I can’t sit still, jumping up I happen to spill some of my soda at least it didn’t get on my clothes. Picking up the bottle I decide to walk back to Manhattan. Across the Manhattan Bridge back to the island I go. There was no one on the bridge but me. It was way worse than the Brooklyn Bridge. The structure wasn’t beautiful and there were barely any lights. The only thing that kept me calm was the train roaring by every now and then. It was now almost three in the morning. I could see the sky start to change from night into day. The colors of light blue being to appear from the heavens.
I really needed sleep. I needed love, comfort, a friend. I realized I was close to the Staten Island Ferry so I continued my journey there. With nothing but a hoodie on, some jeans, sneakers and a fitted cap I walked. I had the New York skyline standing tall behind me and the Lord beside me. It was rather interesting though that for once I kind of felt free but in reality I was alone. Entering the ferry terminal I finally saw some life. People waiting patiently to return home, home that’s where I should have been tucked under my sheets dreaming but no I was here waiting. My eyes became heavy I went to a corner of the terminal and sat on the floor. Sitting down I started to nod, sleep was taking over and for a moment I almost felt over. A lonely pigeon comes over as if to say hi to me. Looking at it orange beak, circular round eyes, and greyish feathers I began to giggle “even the birds are alone,” I thought. The ferry finally comes and I go aboard. I paid no attention to the people on the ferry I just wanted to close my eyes and relax. I lowered my head into my arms and fell to sleep. Suddenly I was awakening by one of the crew members. He was dressed in a dark blue uniform with a bright orange patch that read: Staten Island Ferry Crew on the left side of his jacket. He had a long white beard and dark green eyes, “Son, we are here you have to leave the ferry.” I went along as he told me. Now in Staten Island it was almost morning five am. The sky again touched my pupils. It was beautiful; there is something powerful when it’s almost morning and you’re alone in the city.
I really just wish I could start over. No worries, stress, or complaints. All I want is to be happy is that so hard. Another ferry enters the terminal I decide to go back to Manhattan this time I don’t sleep but look out the window. Passing the Statue of Liberty I feel that I can start over and make a change as many of those immigrants did coming into America. As the ferry pulls in to Manhattan I feel inspired to do something different yet I’m still sleepy. Now five thirty in the morning. I’m back where I started. I walk over to the South Street Seaport where I knew I could get some sleep. Being morning the birds are singing and life starts to take its course. I stare at the old boats and the pier as I look around for somewhere to nap. Finally I see some tables under the pier and I go rest there. Before I lay I see the sunrise over the Brooklyn Bridge. It amazing, as its golden rays appear it strikes my body like a match does a candle. I stood there thinking and hoping for something to come. Seven in the morning I close my eyes and start to dream.
Love a word used by many misunderstood by all. It sicken me that people cannot be real with me anymore. I hate having to find shit out though social media sites such as tumblr or facebook. I ask for one thing and one thing only, “Be Real With Me,” its not a hard thing to do. If you don’t like me just tell me I would respect you more as an individual, and plus its a simple thing.
Sigh, laying in my bed this morning I had a spark, it hit me that some people that I honestly cared about didn’t really care about me. Oh you know who you are. I guess in writing my words and thoughts I could honestly express myself with no strings attached. Thus when I spoke to you and you told me that shit it was no surprise to me that you were dating someone,this I already know. I am happy about that finally someone can love you and take care of you. I wasn’t ready to do so this you could not respect, so in due time someone stepped up to the plate to be your man. Glory Day in the eyes of Christ he has given you a man.
My issue is that we became distant as a result of my actions, however I continued to stay in contact with you, at least trying to keep the “friendship” going. You were “too busy” to say hi or what’s up, so after a while I just thought you completely forgot about me which you did. I was fine with that, people come and go everyday but I wasn’t fine with the fact that you couldn’t be real with me.
Were you scared that I would black on you like I supposedly did in Philly, naw I don’t think it was that. You were officially done but you could have told me. Apparently you didn’t have the right words to say to me. However while you were working putting simile on children’s face making bears, he was taking your heart away, what a beautiful thing young “love” isn’t it.
How funny that after I fuck up, someone comes into your life to clean up my mess, damn God works fast doesn’t he. I guess my only purpose for that short duration of time was to be the one to fuck up so that God could send you this dude. If that is the case I’m fine with that. However, it really didn’t make sense to me that you would quickly get over the fact that we shared so much. we experienced so much. You introduced me to things I would have never known, and I introduced you to foods you would have never tasted. I opened you back up, I inserted my manhood into your wet moisture as you moaned, and pleaded with me to take it easy. It was daunting task but when it happen it was magical. I do apologize for not being the man that wanted to hold your hand, the one that was all over you. You like clingy dudes and that fine, I hope dude is all that and a bag of chips. I hurt you by having a conversation with you on a rainy night in Philly, but I never stopped caring about you, you stopped caring about me.
Being busy is an excuse. It takes two minutes to say hey, you decided that those two minutes would be wasted on me, cause you feel that I have wasted you time. My negativity, and bad relationship with the Lord was not your focus, you needed that man who was one with God and loving so that it felt right, but what is right anymore? You think this relationship will work? Shit maybe it will or maybe it won’t. I just hope he is what you want. Don’t forget about the little people though, you know those of us that got you to this point. I never meant to hurt you but now that I think of it, you hurt me more. I don’t care how emotional you are, putting aside a “friendship” that you wanted is fucked up. The question thus remains, “Can I call you a fucked up person?” Naw you are a woman of God so your forgive me for this. Should I hate you? No that’s such a strong word. Should I forget you? I think you already did that, you took the pencil and erased me out of your life.
All I wanted to do was send you a Christmas card, but you let me know right off the back that you “Boyfriend” wouldn’t appreciate me sending you a fucking card. Damn he really got you sprung. Its the holidays and this is how you acting, you should have told me you didn’t fuck with me. Plus what the fuck do I care about who you dating, I don’t know him, I didn’t fuck him, I fucked you. We shared times on that couch, don’t you remember how wet it was, how you didn’t want to let me go. You talked a lot of shit for a christian woman, maybe you are no better than average chick. Stupid of me to think that it could have been. How dare you tell me you wanted to be single than a month later you in a relationship, damn that’s thirsty, you drinking a lot of cupid’s love potion, you fallen for the ultimate trick, the words of a mouth. I seen the pics you look happy, but are you really? I guess you are. I am so happy for you, no seriously but you are such a fucking typical female. They get hurt and hide, never admitting their hurt, damn Ms. Diggs you could have told me, since I can’t speak to you cause your boyfriend has you on smash. I decided to grace you with my writing.