Yeah you told me that you needed to take a break, but was I wrong for telling you that I wasn’t ready to deal with this relationship. You took it the wrong way when I said that I think we should break up. Tears started to seep through your pupils and your blood started to boil, yet a part of me still wanted to be with you, however my mind confused was telling me otherwise. “You need someone better than me,” I said to you, those were not the words you wanted to hear. Your voice became slightly raised and mines as well. What the hell was I thinking telling you that I loved you, when in reality I was more concerned about myself.
I was a selfish individual and I did not acknowledge your being. You tried hard to be by my side yet I wasn’t even making an attempt. We scorned each other setting more fire to an already existing flame. With every attempt to extinguish it I lit it back up. When I told you I wanted you, when I told you I was serious about this relationship your eyes glittered. You were ready for someone that for once had the same mind frame as you, but how was I to know that within my heart that would all be a lie. With every email I send it was a constant remind of how I missed you, but with every email replied it was a reminder of how I wasn’t ready to give what you wanted.
For days I tried to deal with my personal issues, yet I could not get you off my mind. Letting you know I cared I made videos to expressed my gratitude, however knowing the distance between us was killing me my conscience was knocking on my mental door. Tossing and turning at night all I could think about was your voice how sweet it rung in my ears, but I could also see your face. Dark skinned, brown eyes, locs down your back, water dripping on the floor because I said those dreaded two words, “It’s over.” I gave you my word in that car, I told you I would never leave you, but what am I to do when the tables turn and you decide to leave me. Time became a factor and we only been involved for two months of it. Suggesting a break was something new for you, but it was something that was needed. For some reason though I didn’t like the idea of me not speaking to you, I didn’t like you scaling back to reserve feelings, to reserve your heart. How could you tell me you were in love with me and then just up and disappear?
How stupid was I to think that maybe this could have been real; how stupid was I to have tried something I wasn’t ready for. You told, you showed me, but you hurt me and loved me all the same. My mind is in a daze and I’m lost in this maze, maybe I need you to help me find my way out, or it is to late? Have you already shut the door to our love, was “I’m in love with you” too much for me to hear? I honestly been thinking about giving up, but something inside me is holding on, we don’t know what’s right from wrong, however we still stand strong. Thus I’m asking you can we still move on. I need you to rescue me but how can you do that when I don’t trust, when I’m so closed off to the world. Will you be my girlfriend? Will you be able to be patient with me and love me? Or am I just setting myself for failure?
I love you and I know that I should have been more forward but let it be known that I am ready but,
Do you believe me?
I hate people, the ways in which they can act like they’re your friends when in reality they don’t give a fuck about you. People have no respect for feelings, they talk behind your back as if you are not right in front of them, pathetic souls hell bound. Who can you trust in this world anymore? Can it be a girlfriend, friends, family, a stranger even? I say no one, no one can be trusted everyone will fail you except God but even he doesn’t answer at times, and even he makes me sick knowing that he is all love but yet I feel nothing but a burning sensation in my heart that’s want to kill and demolish all those that don’t give a fuck. Ahh, people those of you who claim they care don’t really give a fuck. All you do is want to bring me down, bring each other down, talk about how great your life is and laugh at other. Fuck you all. The world was constructed to be beautiful yet we people have made it ugly. I pity people and this existence, sometimes I wish I were dead, away from this place. Maybe suicide should have been a calling, taking that knife and cutting my throat watching the hot liquid drip from my body as the devil takes my soul to his eternal cave, because God gave you life so if you take your own your going to hell, but why is that if God loves you so much can he not save you? You have to save yourself from yourself and this happens to be the case. People don’t give a fuck if you’re dead or if you alive. No one takes the time to even consider how one is doing but is quick to tell how that person is negative and makes them sick, well you all make me sick and I pity you all. God as my witness, in fact no I can’t even believe in him, so myself as my witness let this be a lesson to me that my short existence living that no one or nobody can help me because they can’t help themselves. Hate has become me and death upon all you that feel they care but yet continue to lie in my face… Fuck you…
Hate, this is what I feel when I think about you. About the all the stories that are being told in this place. When I look at you I pity your grounds and your streets, you subways, and food. I think of better places to be where there aren’t this many buildings, where the sun is always shining, and people look civilized and dress proper.
Hate is how I feel when I get up in the morning and opening my window. Sucking in the polluted air I start to cough and spit saliva from my mouth down to the concrete below. Why did I have to live here? What purpose is meant to be accomplished? Our Mayor doesn’t give a fuck about you or me, however we worship Giants and Knickerbockers as if they were Gods, but we don’t take the time to stop gun violence and promote education. You know what I heard, I heard that this hated place closed down fifty schools, and that millions of people went to a sporting goods store to collect shirts and hats with that NY painted in Blue and White to celebrate.
Damn let’s watch the man gets money down on Wall Street while the protesters complain about being the 99th percent, and you wonder why I hate here. Rat infested streets and homeless on every corner begging for a bite to eat, while people wait on fifth avenue for the next Steve Job’s invention or the next Jordan sneaker. Females push carriages, carrying Longchamp and Louis Vuttion, dudes trying to be fly sagging Levis, and snapped back hats. Damn look at all the yellow cabs. Excuse me sir you just pushed me. All this and people still love it here. Why should I continue to wish and hope that something good will come out of this dump? Oh shit here comes a kid asking for money to support his basketball team again,not those damn Mexicans again, are those kids breaking dancing in the street? Everyday is the same old shit and nothing changes because…
This is New York, this is Home, this is hate…
The day for lovers is a day of pain and suffering, heart being ripped like a piece of paper,while flowers of compassion float around like wind in the air. What the fuck is this day? Nothing more than a mistake that someone who was madly in love created.
Dedicated to a Saint Valentine, lover of all, but yet did he realized that love hurts all the more. What is this term love? This word we humans throw around like a football and stupid people catch feeling like they’re running for a touchdown, it’s nothing but a fake emotional feed. Humans fiend to eat on it. Love is a food for thought, we all want it, we thrive on having it yet don’t know how to show it, more so abuse it.
You think that giving flowers, candy, and cards on one fucking day is a justification for “loving” someone. Hell no its just a means of “thinking about you” nothing more than that. After the day is over do you continue to love fully and put as much effort as you did on 2/14, doubts inquire don’t they.
Do I personally hate the day, No, but is it a waste of time yes. Love sucks and if you never fully been in love like myself it sucks more. You don’t care to understand the principles of this emotion, this feeling, all you want to do is erase it from your heart like a pencil against a scantron when you realize you marked in the wrong bubble.
My heart is broken, so I have lost the urge to feel again, yet she came into my life and tried to revamp me, my heart is telling me to love, but my mind is telling me not to fall into the pit of fire, love burns into your mental. You never forget that heart break from another, you sit and wonder why it happen the way it did, why he/she hurt you. Then what the hell do you know, that day, that Valentine shit comes around again, and like most humans who thought love was real you wallow in your head and hold your heart dead in your lifeless hands, wishing that someone would have took the time to appreciate you, like they do on Valentine’s Day…
I am ashamed to be born in such an era where sneakers are more important than school, an era where kids try to be fly instead of passing a test. Yeah I can completely understand why kids would hate school; its because many of their friends go and get these degrees and they have nothing to show for it, no money, no job, no life for pretty much that matter, but that doesn’t change the fact that somewhere down the line all that school work will have paid off (somewhere).
I must admit that as a young 25 year old Black male living in NYC that our young generation is fairly stupid. Who is to blame though, Is it the parents? Or the kids themselves? What kids me is that its a majority of African-American and Spanish kids that are the worst. Not to make up stereotypical but its true we get a bad rap, its because there is no values instilled in our youth, their parent tell them to be what they want to be but don’t push them, however they spoil them giving them money to buy Jordans and Foams, and for what reason so their child be flyer than the next child.
We have a Black president but what different does that make, the United States is a fucked up nation and our youth have a lot to deal with that. They don’t do nothing, they don’t work, don’t go to school, they just sit around on their asses and try to look cute and it makes me sick to my damn stomach. Now granted if you are working than you are entitled to buy what ever the hell you want, but if you are working (illegally) than your wasting your time. This is exactly why Republicans talk so bad about the poor (African-American/Spanish) people because look at how we are raising our children.
This generation is more worried about when Lil Wayne or Jay-Z is dropping an album or having a concert than reading a damn book. Anyone remember that video, “Read-A-Book” on BET how true was the message but I’m sure no one took the time to listen or understand it but I’m sure they thought it was so funny. Everything is funny to our youth, all the want to do is CHILL, you know smoke weed, fuck, have babies, talk shit, and stand on the block. Well what else is there to do when that’s all you know?
As a college grad and a graduate student it bothers me that people just always talk about our youth but don’t do shit to help them. You cannot not resolve the problem if you continue to talk about it. It hurts though that as a college student and graduate student I have to struggle but hey life is rough, but its not that rough if these kids are getting all this money to be fly but yet don’t even know how to use the correct spelling in a text message or even professionally.
Maybe its our fault you know everyone, I think people are too comfortable with themselves that they don’t want to do shit, and yes I know it hurts when you try and try and nothing happens, but look at us we are pathetic and we have become okay with this. Its so sad that I am part of this generation because nothing seems to come good out of it, nothing more but a whole bunch of media talk and political talk about how to better keep us down, well shit we’re already keeping ourselves down…