Veritas Vos Liberabit

What am I doing, sitting her looking at myself in the reflection of the mirror. Shattered feelings and emotions continue to run through my veins and it hurts me, it hurts that I couldn’t be the dude that was to be your best friend. Yes I fucked up I left you there in the rain without an umbrella to get soaked with all my words, all my false truths. Like a bee I buzzed in your ear lovely things to get you going, yet I abused your body and played with you like a rag doll.

Later on down the line I realized how much you meant to me, it was too late. By this time I had fallen in love with another, you didn’t care for her, you wanted to believe that I had changed, yet I didn’t. Becoming sick to your stomach you threw me up, all the love and emotions went down the toilet, you flushed whatever feelings you had left for me. Was I too blame for lusting you when you yourself were lusting me?

It is a stupid mistake people make confusing love with lust. We know they are not one in the same yet we tell ourselves to believe it is. What we had wasn’t a friendship, it my dear was pure lust and nothing more. We scarred each other, we ripped apart slowly our heart’s skin letting it slowly leak. How was I to know that I would eventually fall for you and have to decide between our friendship and my new found love.

It was a hard decision but I couldn’t lie to you anymore. The secrets became too much, I was playing hide and seek when you already found me. There was nothing more I could say or do to change the topic. You felt used and abused; you felt like a whore, hoe, a slut. No one could ever love you is all that rung in your mind. However after all I did I wanted to love you, but you didn’t want me to. You wanted to diminish all that we had, you wanted to set fire to the rain that crept down you dark black cheeks.

Now you’re there sitting on your bed looking at all the contains I have given you. You thrown them into the closet, you no longer want any pieces of me. Like a paper shredder you start to dispose of it. Was I ever worth your love? Was it even worth trying?

All I wanted to do was be your friend, but I cut a little bit too deep this time.

I’m sorry.

Its late,cold, and raining. I’m sitting in my mother blue Ford Focus waiting for the Chinatown bus back to New York City. Its a cool night in Raleigh but the wind is picking up, Mother Nature seems to be upset tonight. Water is pounding the car, the tears of the sky slide down the windows. My bus was suppose to be here at 11pm it is now 11:30. “Where the hell is the bus I say.” Looking at my cousin and mother their facial expression are saying the same things. Across the highway I see a white bus passing by but wasn’t too sure if that could have been mine.

Looking at my ticket again I come to realize that we were at the wrong address. The location of the bus was across the street. Not knowing they moved the bus stop we drive to the correct location. Mother Nature has calmed herself yet it is still wet.

Not knowing if I was going to be stuck or not I decided to call the office. A Chinese lady picks up and I hand my Blackberry to my mother as she speaks about trying to get on the 1am bus. Kindly the lady told my mother that I could so again the waiting game.

As we waited we all just listened to the radio laughing and joking about whatever. Again the bus is late, its about. 1:30 now. Finally a red bus pulls up in front of the location. I say my good byes and on I go. I’m tired but happy that the bus is rather empty. Finding an seat wasn’t a problem. Towards the back I go sitting and relaxing. However the bus is dingy and old, seat are ripped and floors are sticky. It doesn’t matter to me I just want to get home.

As the bus cruises alone the highway I think about yesterday’s events. These constant reminders are lingering in my mind but putting them aside I close my eyes.

When I wake up we are pulling into some run down Motel in which I forgot the name. The lights illuminate my pupils and as I wipe crust all I hear is , “everyone move to the next bus please.” Across from us is the white bus I was suppose to been on at 11pm. As me and the other passengers moved on to the next bus we all came to find out it was crowded.

Enetering the bus is nobody. Again another dingy bus this time with more people. The Chinese dude with a white shirt and some blue jeans taps me and says, ” You need to put you bag under,” I looked at him in digust, ” I’ll put it on top like I did on the other bus.” He let me continue on my way. Moving my way to the back this lady comes to realized she forgot her luggage so she decides to move her big self towards me and squeeze her way through. I’m pissed.

Walking towards the back I see people laid out sleep and not about to get up to move. Kindly I ask someone if I could sit down. Its a white dude in a grey sweat suit he moves and I sit. Suddenly a brief altercation breaks out between the Chinese bus driver and a white dude behide me protaining to a seat. The white dude had claimed that the two seats next to him were wet. Apparently there was a leak in the bus from the rain. The Chinese dude was trying to hear that, ” You paid for 1 seat and you holding up two,” he said. “Oh, fuck outta here the seats is wet, No one got up when I switched buses before so why the fuck should I get up for him.” The Chinese dude is pissed and not in the mood.

Suddenly a black female wearing some jeans and a grey shirt and a head scarf looks back and says, ” Yo shut the fuck up and move, I got to be to work in the morning.” The white dude is not happy with her tone of voice, ” Bitch you don’t know me. I got friends in Brownsville that will dig your ass in the ground who you be with.” She looks at the white dude and yells, ” I’m with the Chinatown connection so you better move the fuck over.” Me and the dude with the grey sweat suit just laugh. Finally dude in the back decides to me and we leave…

Sometimes I think I love too hard, when I give my hand to you, you snatch back, you seem to want my love and affection yet my passion maybe a bit too overrated. Am I giving too much, too fast? The questions that linger in my mind when I speak to you seem to scare me.

I told myself I was ready for a woman of your caliber, yet my conscience is telling me other things, things that I don’t want to mention but need to be revealed. I love you yes and I’m not afraid to mention it, however it is for good reason.
You make me smile, you light up my day. Seeing your face everyday makes me glow, its as if you light up a flame in my heart and it continues to shine, however you tell me you feel the same but is it how you’re really feeling.

Everything comes in due time so I wait patiently for you love, but am I a fool to be loving so stronger so soon? Am I wrong for feeling that I have kept these locked feelings in my chest draw and am now ready to expose them to you?

Maybe I should fall back some, maybe I need to just go with the flow, that of typical for you, that’s what your used too, but I will not be considered that individual, I want to be more. You tell me this, as I want to believe you its hard when you facial expressions say other wise.

Trust is like a stool if its tight it won’t wobble and break, but if one screw is missing your fall and break it. What is the importance of that word because the meaning has slowly deminished turing into crumbs thrown on the ground for birds to pick at.

I want to trust you, but I don’t like to see you upset, I have upset so many before and it has caused hate. I don’t want you to hate me,but, I want you to accept me as that person you want to see forever…

Now hate has a strong hold on my mind as well. The constant struggle between love and hate seems to torment me. I want to love but when you love someone seems to hate you because you hurt them. That girl loved me but now she hates me and even more so because I’m giving you all the love she wanted, all the love that she felt she needed.

So should I hate myself for not giving her the love that I’m giving you? Should I have exposed my true self with her knowing her for a year? No I exposed my true self with you and its only been 14 days, damn that’s self hate, or is it self love, but what does love and hate have to do with us, with her?

Questions are rare yet not impossible to get, not impossible to expain. I have no explanation as to why you decided to give me a clean slate. I have no explantation as to why I hit, smacked, and cut that poor girl who I should have gave my love too, yet I’m giving it to you.

All I know is that LOVE and HATE seem to be one in the same in my blood, the continuously flow of pain and happiness keep me a flow. Down that river to a land of happiness is what I hope to achieve with you, however, I must say focused because sometimes waters seem to become rather treacherous and a flood can wash away my feelings, my hopes and aspirations, thus again hate comes and a storm of bad feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

Love me is all I ask of you, and I know it will take time. Hate me is what she is doing but healing take times.

My only question is, Do I fall back? Or Will that make you feel like I hate you?

 ¹ Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” ² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ⁶ I say this as a concession, not as a command. ⁷ I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

 ⁸ Now to the unmarried^[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. ⁹ But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 ¹⁰ To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. ¹¹ But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

 ¹² To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. ¹³ And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. ¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

 ¹⁵ But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. ¹⁶ How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

 ¹⁷ Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. ¹⁸ Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. ¹⁹ Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. ²⁰ Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

 ²¹ Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. ²² For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. ²³ You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. ²⁴ Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

 ²⁵ Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. ²⁶ Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. ²⁷ Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. ²⁸ But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

 ²⁹ What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; ³⁰ those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; ³¹ those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

 ³² I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. ³³ But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— ³⁴ and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

 ³⁶ If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong^[b] and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. ³⁷ But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. ³⁸ So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.^[c]

 ³⁹ A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. ⁴⁰ In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

Every morning you get up and look at the lagoon. As the sun rises above you I think of all that you have brought into my life, damn I’m happy to have you. For once maybe I can be happy in this life. I can for once be able to wash away all of the pain and sorrow that came with the past. This is a  new feeling, a new stage that I’m ready to perform on. I am ready to cast my role in your heart.

You beautiful actress, this you are. You are my star and I want you to shine for me. Oh baby how I pray that I can be with you always, however you are there on that island taking care of your academic studies, I cannot help but to respect this as it turns me on that your so studious. Soon I will be able to sit in that tub with you listening to Kenny G. Our soft black skin so close and wet that we can feel each other’s chill.

Time is of the essence and time is all I spend with you, so as you study think about me as I continue to think about you my star…