To each its own at least in the scheme of things, I guess you just have to let some things go, especially if the things that you are letting go are hurting you, yeah I have honestly been hurting myself and my actions have surely spoke louder than my words if anything my actions have not only scared people they have also hurt me.
In life we sometimes have to suck it in and deal with the bullshit that comes our way. It is with this that we become stronger and more able to deal with the pressures of life but sometimes that pressure becomes to much to deal with and all of a sudden BANG! you explode! In that eruption of boiling blood rushing through your body like a speeding locomotive you stop and for a moment pause - - - There is nothing but black space and in that moment you are alone standing there like a new born baby naked and in a cold, lonely world.
When you wake up you realize it was all a dream but even in a dream state you still tend to hurt. Well I don’t want to hurt no more, I want to love and be loved and cared for as if to see a new day and smell a gentle flower on a beautiful Spring day, but this cannot happen unless I get it together and learn to appreciate the little things.
My sister tells me it was just an ordinary evening, but evening is never ordinary is it? Once the sun has started to climb down the sky things change. You and she were sitting in the den - the olive green vinyl couch, sports trophies, new color TV, pictures of Kennedy and King we keep turning to the wall, plate glass door, concrete steps to the backyard. You were sitting in the den, by the tone of your voice you could have been asking are there any more hot dogs left or saying let’s go get high. She said you just turned around and looked at her her hand and said, “Let’s kill him, let’s kill the old man.”
Taken from Sapphire (author of Push) Black Wings & Blind Angels.
Love suffers long and is kind; Love does not envy; Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; Does not rejoice in inequity, but rejoices in truth; Bears all things, believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away…
A picture can sure say a thousand words, but they can also state a thousand lies and thousand ways of dealing with the pain in life, especially when you lose someone you love. Why do I continue to look at old pictures of us when you were the one who shot the bullet through my heart. You killed me softly with your actions and then buried me with your words, I’m dead now because of you; I no longer want to date, hold, touch, and feel the love of another individual; another woman. What is love anyway nowadays but a thrown away word flushed down the toilet left to rot alone. These pictures burn in my mental memory, they burn in my body. Never could I understand why we didn’t work out but I guess it was for the best, but the only sad thing was I never got to see that from you.
Apparently, time has changed and thus have I but what has become of my life, my nature; does one not come to understand that we will all soon be dead, just bones and dust, some haven’t figured it out yet that time even though slow or fast continues to be against us.
Damn we are empty and never have we noticed the complex notion of this reality, yet we continue to fill ourselves with all this media, gear, and false perceptions on what the real world is, thus is why we are empty.
Okay, let me begin to justify my means of explaining why this notion is true, lets think about it. You get up, the sun is rising, birds are chirping and everything feels fine, you take a shower and feel fresh, then out the door you go to that job, career, or whatever you want to call it. You sit down and realize that this is something that society has conformed you to do and you begin to feel that emptiness inside.
Your heart is beating, blood is flowing, emotions fluxed, and body sore, what do you do when you realize life is chasing behind you?
Some like to play this game of catch up but what happens when you get caught up, caught up in the lies and depression, pain, suffering, and overall the many different stereotypes of life.
Yes, empty I feel because of the conformity I have been subjugated too.
So its 2:53am, Early morning in New York City. I lay motionless in my bed thinking about her. She is beautiful, light brown skin the color of caramel, jet black hair the color of night, and her smile whiter than the wings on an angel; oh how I miss her.
Holding her while at school wasn’t enough I wanted to feel our bodies collide as the heat and moisture encapulates our spirits. Even though miles away I can still feel her soft lips touching mines. I could still smell her conditioner as we laid close, holding hands watching television.
Oh, if only it were the same and I didn’t graduate; we could still feel each others warmth as I entered her walls with sweat slowly sliding down our bodies. Its things like this that make me wonder if my purpose is with her.
As I lay wishing I was in her arms as she slowly caresses my hair, all I can do is look to the night sky and pray that she is feeling the same as I.
Trapped behind closed doors, I feel this anger starting to unleash itself from my soul. These demons have come take me away from myself stripping me from my pride. I don’t know what to do anymore. Love is nothing but a word to me and the reality is that happiness doesn’t seem to be near. Damn what has happen to me, what have I done to deserve this?
All this pain I feel is something unknown and what triggers it is this place, New York. I hate this place, the people, the false realities of a world in which nothing matters. Am I not a good individual, have I not come to be successful and try to break from society’s formalities, its statistics? What more do people want from me? I am only one person, one that is alone, trapped, enclosed in my feelings. I’m trying to fit into a place become one with this puzzle piece, this life.
Sometimes I’m lost but sometimes I don’t understand; understand why this is happening. Maybe I want love, what is that anyway?
Family, friends, girlfriend, society tells me I need help but what I need honestly is for people, yes people to see their own faults. They need to see that life is short and waits for no one. God I’m not perfect but, who is? Thus lord, do I deserved to be pushed aside shun from your grace, you love? No one wants to deal with me they tell me I’m wrong for feeling this way, acting the way I do, wrong because I’m blessed, spoiled, and a child. Let it be stated than that I by far am a wrongful person full of doubt, doubt for even being alive. I should just die now let the drops of blood slowly leak gently releasing my heart’s pain.
There is so much hate, pain, sin yet people continue to think I want them to cater to me. This is not the case, all I want is someone one to understand and be there. Why do they continue to run away? I ask myself.
They want to leave me because; I know my issues so they say I have them. No the real reason is they don’t know how to deal with it, they can’t deal with it. There is too much stress for them when they have their own. Even though true still learning to care is learning to be there. No one is there, no one but me.
They tell me God doesn’t like ugly, but I have seen the ugly in people. The ones I loved tell me I don’t understand their grind, their focus. How am I to do this when at times I don’t understand myself yet I try to be happy with them.
There has to be some line that we draw. We all need to work this out before we all fail. Failure is not an option.
Why am I so unhappy, hating people, hating myself? How am I supposed to live for myself when I have to deal with people? My life has been hell I could feel the flames burning me. It’s like a rollercoaster and I can’t get off. I want to become a better person but I can’t with people’s judgmental attitudes, telling me what they think they know.
Everyone thinks they know me but all they know is what they see, what they hear. They don’t know my heart, my falls, failures, my pain. Right now as I sit in this mental ward they are probably talking about me, calling me all type of names. I’m crazy apparently but they, these people are also crazy. They are crazy for believing that they know me.
I’m going to try and get better, get help. Hopefully these people will realize I’m not crazy, I’m just me.
Let me state that when I feel this pain I sometimes want to die, the burning images of you in my mind have continued to dread me. How will I ever get over the fact that you are gone and no longer do I have you in my arms? Why must I continue to feel like this? What have I done to deserve your anger, the rage on your face bloodshot? Your eyes are evil you have become the devil himself; do you hate me? Do you?
Apparently you do because of what I have caused you. Damn you were the one who told me you loved me, or, was that just a simple way around the truth that you hated me, that you wanted me out your life for good, forever. This pain hurts my body I can no longer deal with the flow of blood stinging my pores as I bleed with the desire of you in my bed as we make love, our bodies touching, your hands rubbing my spine, what the fuck you used to be mine.
I want to scream to the world that you were my only girl, my only love; yet, you were the one who shot me with that bullet right in my heart. Was it not beating enough for you? Was my mind not strong enough for your grind, your business that you put me aside for as if I was a child’s toy disposed? You didn’t give a fuck about my heart, my mind, my love; all you wanted was my time and devotion but never did you do the same. This is pain huh? I have come to believe so.
Pain, this is what you are to me nothing more and nothing less, what have you become, a beast or just not human? Your mind has drifted to another place, you don’t deserve me, you deserve to live alone and take the time to think about your actions and your words. You need to learn that you were special, that you were my angel, yet that was just a disguise. You completely fooled me I was a joke, nothing more than a joke to you, like a deck of cards you shuffled with my emotions slowly dealing out the game that was love. Love that I thought we had, love that you no longer understand, that you never understood.
When will you begin to see that time waits for no one and that when I was there I was really there? You need someone like me, no; you had someone like me to give you all a woman deserves. Love, loyalty, and respect, that’s what a man is supposed to do yet I was a boy to you, you played hooky with my mind even through you were physically there. Your fragrance creeping in to my soul, your spirit holding me close, how stupid was I to think that my dreams would become reality. Damn the mind can play tricks on you but this wasn’t a trick it was actually you.
Pain they say is only temporary, so what do I continue to feel this way?