Veritas Vos Liberabit

I guess it would have never worked anyway, the fact that you are so busy has pushed me away from what I thought could have been something special. I loved you a long time ago but I also abused you. I hurt what we had and made you a monster. This doesn’t change the fact that when I look at you I still think of the days we were close. Now that we’re older no longer do we have that sweet embrace, but distance between us. Fingertips apart we have become.

No longer do you call, no longer do I get to hear your sweet voice. No longer do I get to speak to you about Harry Potter and Avatar, no longer do I have you. What has become of this relationship? What has become of our lives? Have we become so busy that our friendship is nothing more than words? I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I have become crazy, insane with the fact that we no longer have a emotional, physically, mental connection.

I blame myself for the yelling, the tears sliding down your cheeks. I blame myself for not wanting you when you wanted me, and I blame myself for me wanting you and you not wanting me. It was your decision to be strong and not deal with me, your decision to grow up and be a woman no longer a girl, a girl that loved me.

If just for a moment we could rekindle this old flame and let the candle light burn in our hearts, if just for a moment I could kiss and hold you again, rub you, caress you, love you, maybe, just maybe you will start to understand what’s been missing.

However what’s been missing all this time was love, the love that you wanted from me in College. Look at you now all dressed up in your professional attire, you no longer got time for a “boy” of my demeanor, I’m yesterdays news thrown in the nearest green trash can. Damn look at you a woman, a damn sexy woman, a woman that I could have had, a woman that is long gone…

Somewhere in Philly there is a girl,

A short girl,

With short hair,

and a green car.

She is driving

driving on that road to redemption.

Looking for someone

and

not something

to love her.

I thought that I could have been

the one

Yet

I was not

I was the one to hurt

I was the one she thought could have been

Yet

I was the one who screamed

and

shouted

Did I want to hurt her?

No

But did I?

Yes

Now she has moved and and forgotten about me

forgotten about what we had for that short period

she has forgotten about the memories and has found another

Should I be happy?

Should I be sad?

Or

Should I hate her?

I will not allow myself to do none of the above

Because this girl, this short girl

with the green car

is considered a friend

but

what is a friend but a word, right?

I don’t know how to see her anymore,

At first it was her eyes,

but now

I am blinded by her actions,

her words are none.

No longer does the short girl

speak to me,

A decision she made on her own

but let it be known

that the girl

with the green car

living in Philly

was and continues to be special

Even though she no longer cares

about this boy

tall boy

in that city

called the Big Apple….

Yeah I should forgive myself for all my wrongs, but what about those who have done wrong by me? Should I forgive them for all the hurt they have put and continue to put me through.

All of the people that felt that they needed to leave me just because, should I forgive them? No I will not forgive cause I have not yet forgiven myself for my mistakes. I know I am better than this and that I am worthy of everyone’s love and support, yet I don’t receive it. Why is is it that people are so quick to forgive? Does this do something for the soul?

God says forgive, but I’m not God he was quick to forgive I’m not. You have to obtain forgiveness. If you fuck up you deserve to feel what I have felt, you deserve to suffer as I have suffered, so no I don’t forgive.

Why should I forgive when people haven’t forgiven me. Shady individuals with letters across their chest have shun me and those of you that have talked about me, hell no I don’t forgive you.

I have been betrayed and no one is there to help me, there to comfort me. Your laugh in my face, make me feel lower about myself. I am already at my peak and you’re trying to kill me.

Should I forgive you’re when I’m dead, buried in that coffin, tears sliding down eyes, telling God, “how I’m so sorry,” fuck that forgiveness is not a given and I’m not about to give that…

However I will forgive myself for even allowing myself to trust…

People are so quick to say that actions speak louder than words, yet it be the same actions that get people in trouble and rejected, abandoned, and left for dead. People are going to believe what they want to believe and I believe that the power of words is something one can’t have, they have to obtain it.

My actions have stemmed from the actions of people, all the hurt, pain, and struggles have cause my words to be harsh and straight forward. I hate when people say actions speak louder than words. If we don’t speak how can we know, how can we feel, interact. We can’t see God but we listen to his words, the power of the Bible is through words not actions.

I’m tired of people using that as an excuse to have other individual prove themselves to you. Shit tell me how you really feel. Just because we have sex, or you buy me gifts, hold my hand in public, or kiss doesn’t mean you love me and respect me. If your words are not a valid interpretation of action than both are truly invalid.

So people of the world stop with your false statement and take responsibility for you own faults. Love is a word we speak, nearly anyone shows it, if that was the case wouldn’t everyone be in a relationship?

Majority of you woman are single because of the actions of a pathetic male, but when you meet a real male and he has conversation composed of words you don’t wanna hear it, all you want is dude to show it. You are no special than the next girl so unless you have some unique trait stop making excuses.

Actions speak louder than words what a load of shit…

Oh, what is living but a word?

An ode to an un-lasting and forgetful memory.

Where sometimes I want to fly like a bird.

Because living this life is somewhat illusory.

How I hate this life that God has given me.

And death seems to be the only way out.

I guess I should thank him for letting me see

That life is nothing more but endless doubt.

Oh, what false reality we tend to endure.

As we walk and scatter the earth.

But at this most mature time I am unsure.

That I should even value this worth.

Nothing is true, there is no reality.

However people will continue to lie.

Thinking of ways to end my sanity.

Wrists dripping blood slowly hoping to die.

My head is spinning, blood constantly leaking.

False reality will cause my demise.

People don’t listen, never hear me speaking.

Look at them down there, oh how I so despise.

“God if you hear me,” take me please today.

Before I do something rash and crazy.

Cause I am tired, lonely, and in dismay.

Oh false reality how you’re making me hazy.

Ode to you false reality, your duty is completed.

Yes you have done it, you have me so defeated.

Dedicating this one to all of you fuckers who decided that you couldn’t deal. You decided that you have a better place in the world than I, when in reality we are on the same planet. You are the one with the issues, yet you call me out on mine because you calm to know better than me. Who the fuck are you to tell me how to feel, how to live and how to think? You were suppose to be my friend. The one I could talk to about anything, yet you abandoned me and left me to die. Blood dripping from fingertips as you slammed the door in my face. Its people like you that make an individual want to die, yes you the person who runs away from someone in need. To you I say fuck you. To you I say are a pathetic piece of human flesh, God made a mistake when he created you. He must have had an off day, cause you are no better than me. If anything you are worst, for a person to believe in God or any faith and leave you are full of sin.

Yes I have been suicidal but you have felt that your life is too happy to deal, so fuck you. How dare you leave me in need. You selfish bastard, you incompetent bitch. I hate people like you, you make the world a worst place than it already is. I hate you, those people who live behind your faith, you falsified happiness, you to safe that God will take care of you. BULLSHIT, if you not living right and helping those that need help the most you are more inclined to go to hell. Rest there in the internal fires and watch as your flesh melt forever because you wanted to leave. You couldn’t deal. People like you are more fake then people like me. At least I know where I stand, you don’t. You think you have all the answers but you don’t. Fuck you you piece of shit, how dare you.

Yeah I am speaking to you. My anger and negative has continued to endure. You want to blame me for this, there you go again putting the fault on me. You have done this, you have made me evil. Its people like you that don’t deserve to live, but God gave you life so I am not the one to judge. He will judge you and see all the falsehood you have continued to do.

I dedicate this to you, now you know why you had to leave because you are no better…

I feel myself slowly dying. I could feel my flesh burn mentally tormenting my existence, I have come to hate all that is considered real, what is it anyway but a formality that we believe in.

Who the fuck cares about anyway. All of this would have been a waste. As people sit there gathered in their faith thinking God will save them; I sit back and think where is he during my struggles.

People can run and hide from themselves but cannot run from the end, that being death. It comes for all of us, some sooner than others. Maybe I have made my decision that I want to end this before God decides my fate. Some will say, “Who am I to take life?” Well I am a human and life is a thing and when your done with things, you discard them.

In this existence I have had to deal with more fights than joys. People will never understand the suffering of a man, yet they wanna understand Jesus who himself suffered. Where is there understanding in the world?

There is none, and if there is one person to explain to me this knowledge may they step forward…

T.B.C.

The night is cool but I’m not whole.

Feelings continue to wrap my soul.

My body is tense and my mind is gone.

No longer do I want to live.

Opening the window I feel the breeze.

There is something different that puts me at ease.

Yet my hands are shaking and I’m sad.

Taking this gun will make me glad.

People take me for a joke and this is true.

Thus is why I feel so mellow and oh so blue.

Reaching for that gun I steady my aim.

Right at my temple, I have so much shame.

Hello Satan, tonight I come.

People are stupid and oh so dumb.

Heaven was there right in front of my eyes.

I guess I shouldn’t have taken it off the prize.

Holding the trigger slowly I pull.

I want to die so tonight no bull.

Living this life is truly done.

Guess God has lost another son.

I pull and feel the bullet enter my brain.

The blood flows slowly twirling down the drain.

Tomorrow night nothing will be the same.

They will say it’s my fault; I am the one to blame.

Suicide was my calling, my five minutes of fame.

But you know how people are, “Damn he was such a lame.”

Before I killed myself no one gave a fuck.

Now look at them sad, all completely struck.

Being here for twenty-five years has diminished me, my mind, body, and soul is no longer in it. I have come to not care about the other instead I have come to hate. People continue to use and abuse you as if you committed all the wrongs yourself, how I despise those. Everyday they shun me because to them I lack the character to belong to such a organization, I am not good enough. My past has continued to haunt me to this day. What I have come to seen is that people will use this to their advantage as a means to make me feel bad about the decisions I made. However I cannot let those that don’t fully know me dictate my life, it is mine and not theirs.

People always want to have a say so in matters that don’t pertain to them, why is this? I guess a fool needs to say something, while wise people don’t. What I don’t understand is if life is full of chances why do people take them away? Even the lord above gives us chances to get it right yet we don’t. No one man or woman is perfect and I don’t people understand that especially in this city. Look at what has happen we got hundreds of people occupying because the rich continue to take advantage of what is not theirs. People only want to give jobs to those who are willing or those who they want to give jobs to. Again people are looking for a chance. No one is God but some people like to think they control the will of people’s fates.

Yeah, I fucked up a lot and because of my actions I have lost a couple of friends, people are holding my mistakes against me, and people even to this day look at me differently. To them I say fuck you, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. You cannot judge me only the man above can. If people would stop and take the time to listen maybe the world would be a different place, yet people are so quick to push people away, hurt people, or say something because they don’t understand or don’t want to understand. Thus is why I have come to conclude people don’t care.

I need a new start, I need a new place to flourish. Like a bird I want to spread my wings and be free. Free from all the negativity and bullshit that I have to endure with people within these organizations, these job markets. As I understand I will have to deal with people wherever I go, let it be known that with a new start comes a new life. I’m stuck here in this rut and I find myself becoming what I don’t want to.

There comes a time when you get tired of it. A time when you open your eyes and see the truth value of people. Well apparently my value isn’t important, maybe to somebody. However I value myself as an individual and as a man. If you don’t like me than don’t start to. Continue to be who you are as I will me. New beginnings are my calling and no longer will I be a slave to those who think they know better.

This is dedicated to you the one who lives a couple of hours away, the one who when I think about to this day still hurt me. The girl that when I came to visit you felt so good that I didn’t want to let you go. This is a means to say to you thank you and that I wish things could have been better. I am sorry for the lost in your family you have my condolences, I am sorry for screaming at you, sorry for having to put you through the pain of not knowing my inner thoughts, sorry for pushing you away and not having faith, sorry for not making you important as others have made you.

I am not sorry for you not understanding, I am not sorry for kissing you, touching you and holding your hand, I am not sorry for taking you around New York, taking pictures with you, listening to your soft voice, not sorry for introducing you to that Mexican cuisine, not sorry for trying to be the best I could be. This wasn’t good enough and I am not sorry for that.

Your name starts with an (A). You are at the beginning of everything, you were first in my mental when I had you, but when it was over you became (Z). How stupid was I to think you would give me a chance, or did you give me a chance that I destroyed? You wanted more of me, you wanted me to be something you loved, I wasn’t I was (S) the nineteenth I had to work my way up the eighteen spots to have you and when I got to two (B) I fucked up. Now you no longer speak to me, you have pushed me aside.

No longer can I look in your eyes, those eyes which I wrote about and still see. How frustrated I have become knowing that we are friends but friends that have become distant. We were close but just for a moment. However in that moment I felt like I was first in your heart, for that moment I was part of (A) but because of my actions I will always remain (S) to you.

It’s always hard when you love someone and there is that attachment that you have to let go. This is the case when it comes to the realization of things. I have hurt you and no longer do I want to hurt you anymore. Yes we have shared many emotions but like those emotions we must learn to control them, we must learn to contain the feelings that we want to let out.

The passion remains for you. The feeling of your lips against mines and the touch of your hand. It still remains prevalent yet this can no longer happen. The passionate love making has to be hauled. We are not one, you are not mines and I am not yours. We are just friends that got wrapped up in this game called love.

What exactly is that but a feeling. A feeling that to one seems easy yet very confusing when faced with. Damn I love you and want you however I am not attracted to you. You see me as sexy, as one who is your everything. I see you as my friend, but a friend who has been there though everything and for that I will always be yours. You will always have my heart but yet you will say you don’t.

This is true in that the heart you wanted was the one that I could not give. The heart that you wanted is closed, sealed behind a wall of pain, a wall of hurt put on by other woman who didn’t understand me like you do; so why do I not want to be with you?

Maybe I am not ready to open myself up to that commitment, maybe you are too good of a woman for me? As my feelings have caused me to diminish, your feelings have cause you to love, to love an unconditional love that I once had but lost. Oh how I wish I could feel like you do when we making that physical connection, yet its all lust, pure desire nothing more. To you its sharing that with the person you love, the person you always loved, me.

It hurts when you love and the love you give is not being fully appreciated My dear I know and I have been there, so before I continue to kill you softly, I will end it painfully. They say love is the silent killer and how true is that. One day your thinking the one in front of you is everything, next he is nothing more, a ghost.

Maybe in another lifetime we can be together, but in this time and age, love isn’t real, it doesn’t exist to that extent, but I do know the love of our friendship will continue to endure any weather storm that comes our way. Thank you for the good times and I wish for many more.

I just wish it didn’t have to be this way but in life not everything has an happy ending especially love.

Early morning, I roll around under my sheets as the sun is piercing
its rays through my window.

Today could of been a good day, yet its not. My mind is restless,
still thinking about last night. Where you once rested still
imprinted. You were just here?

When the shots went off, I ran to get you, there you laid motionless
blood flowing like lava from you body. When the paramedics put you on
that gurney you held my hand tight, numb it became as you told me it
was going to be okay.

Entering that hospital everything became bleak, gleaming lights
illuminating blinding my pupils, I could not find you. Doctors holding
me back, but my mind thinking the worst.

I waited and waited, seconds, became minutes, became hours. When they
told me I could see you I became lost. Like a child looking for his
mother they had to direct me. When I saw you it hit me like a cannon,
I fell to the ground grabbing the ledge of the hospital bed.

I held your hand the same you grabbed. Praying to the lord above I
told him to keep you close, my eyes are shut water seeping through, I
cannot control these emotions. Next came the beeping and white coats
rushing in like a raging stampede. Pushing me aside they removed me
out of the room. Angry my fist connected with ones’ lower cheekbone.
They had to constrain me as if I were a patient myself. I see the
blood coming from your mouth and for a moment I could taste it as if
we were one.

Again the waiting game, on the tiled floor outside of room 203,
doctors, nurses staring at me with lonesome eyes, I pushed my head
against cold hands and began to scream. Everything within that moment
pause, I saw you again. Suddenly a cold caress swept across my
shoulder, “I’m sorry but we couldn’t save her.” Slamming the white
coated man into the pale blue wall I curse him, it was like looking at
death himself, there was no compassion, no feeling.

Running through the halls out into the cold brisk December air I fall
on hands, clothes become soak from the snow and salt on the
ground,”Why God?”

Back home, I rub my sheets, smell the pillow, the fragrance of your
hair still lingers within my nostrils. I want to be with you. Going
into that kitchen, I’m cold and alone.

I reach for that knife. I want to stab my heart, the only thing that
you ever had, but I confused. If I decide to kill myself, hell bound I
will go and you my angel I will never see again, but it hurts so much.
It didn’t have to happen this way, it didn’t.

If I would have got there one second sooner it would have been me
taking that bullet, but I didn’t.

Evening in the sky is bleak, there are times when at sit at the foot of my bed and think. Mind temples pulsating, palms of my hand sweating. What could it be tonight? At that moment when you left my childhood died. Why did you have to go? Was I not good enough to be your friend, your everything. Many a days we would play you would hold me close to you, you would whisper in my ear lovely things, things about us, things about living. I was living, you were a part of me, but now, your gone. Today is a lot more tougher than the others, tonight is the anniversary of our beginning. We started something and you finished it. How was I to know that we were racing, how was I to know that my heart was nothing more than the track shoes you stomped on the pavement with. You killed what was left of me. My tears are burning through my eyes, I can’t open. Depression sets in. No longer go I want to enjoy, live, or write. Veins within my pen have stop flowing, only dust rest above these pages. Thoughts of ending it all continue to entangle me like a web, a web in which you created with your lies. Lies that I thought were truths, truths that were ever so present in our existence. You changed that night, the night when the moon was at it brightest when our eyes met for the last time. You said it had to be done, and so like that it was done. Like a judge you convicted me of not understanding, but I did. I did understand, now the Sun won’t shine. Winter nights like this these blankets don’t help, I need your warmth, you left me cold, freezing, drowning in a sea of my own anguish, slowly sinking never to be found again. Why did you go?

Every man has pulled a girl, it’s the one thing as teenagers we are dared to do repeatedly. “Go pull shorty over there in the DVD section” is a rite of passage for the fellas. As we get older we get less thirsty, so we don’t feel a need to dust off our Pulling skills unless she’s a rare breed. If he’s not trying to pull you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not special, he’s already taken, or he’s being lazy. There are dozens of reasons as to why he didn’t step to you, but if you’re a woman who likes what she sees and gets what she wants who cares what his reasons are?  If a man really wants a woman he will work hard to get her, but working hard to get her DOES NOT have to start with the “Hi, I couldn’t help but notice you…” moment. Working hard begins when he asks to take you out. Here is the thing women should remember, introducing yourself is the least you can do. If you’re going for a guy you like and you make a connection, it’s no longer on you to take it to the next level. Let me know you like me and take all the guessing out of my pursuit, so I know that its real. The argument that men don’t have to do anything these days is weak. The man has to ask you out. The man has to take you out. He has to work to show you a good time and get a second date. He has to work to get you open enough for sex. He has to work at giving you good sex. He has to work at being a good boyfriend. He has to work to afford a big ass ring. He has to work up the nerve to propose. He has to work at calming you down because you’re worried your wedding won’t be as perfect as you dreamed. If you’re picking good men, not bum ass niggas, then he will work hard to make you his and keep you his. Saying Hello is far from “doing everything”.

In a perfect world your prince charming will speak to you first and do all those things leading up to your wedding day, in return you won’t have to do shit but look cute. Keyword—perfect world. You can hold out hope, but this is and never will be a perfect fucking world, and in the 21^st century prince charming now has a gang of hoes that don’t look like ugly step sisters vying for his attention in front of you Cinderella. I’m not calling for women to arrange the first date, pay for dinner, and ask him to be their man. I’m calling for women to get off their ass and give this new generation of men who have a world full of hoes they could easily fuck, a reason to work hard. Introduce yourself and have something interesting to say when you do— if you’re not up to do that then you’re the lazy one. If he can’t hold a conversation, don’t give him your number. If he acts as if he’s not into you, oh well, he wasn’t into you. What’s the worst that can happen if you and the guy don’t have a connection? Someone takes your seat while you’re up talking? What’s the best that can happen if he asks for your number? You get out of the bullshit game of dating and end up with someone YOU CHOSE.