I hate myself, this skin is tainted and I no longer want to be considered Black, I no longer want to look into the glass knowing that I am a man that has obtained nothing, yet the world tends to judge otherwise because of my skin, which for generations have been a means of ignorance, and stupidity. Still today they look at us like that and we aren’t smart enough to make the moves to change ourselves.
I hate how I look and feel inside. My heart is dead, my eyes no longer cry tears but bleed instead this blood which continues to be shed by those who call me names, those who feel what I say is nothing more than garbage spoken from the mouth, those that continue to reject me from every job because I wasn’t qualified. People never take the time to understand what they don’t know, they are however quick to judge because of one’s figure or one’s bodily language, always fearing that the person may be a threat, yet not a threat to them but a threat to themselves.
I hate these hands, these lips, these feet. I hate this hair, this soul which the lord above has blessed me with yet God even continues to let me suffer, not giving a damn about how my life is but always asking that I repent for my sins which I have cast upon this flesh, this Black flesh that isn’t beautiful, but full of rust slowly breaking off into dust, falling to the ground blowing off into the wind with a gust.
I hate our people cause our people hate our people, this is why they always win, and we always loss. Can’t you see that all I want to do is succeed yet my brother won’t even grab my hand up the ladder of success, yet he continues to brag about what he is doing and how much he is making. Ha, and you talk about me complaining. Fuck you I say this hate is the only real thing I know cause when looking and feeling don’t show what can a Black male do but just sit down and continue to wish he could grow.
Again I hate cause I’m not a human being, I am a construction to a world that has planted me into its destruction, a plan to make me hate that which is myself. Love is no longer an option because love never existed, yet you say you love your life, never for once questioning why it is you feel this way.
Damn I hate passionately, like when you bite into something you desire for and realized it doesn’t taste how you expected, this same is with life. You wake up and try to stay positive, try to survive however you don’t realized your dreams are always a distant memory implanted in your brain’s capacity.
Yeah, I hate and maybe next time you judge me you’re be sure to relate to this pain which you try to fake and never understand.
Burning desires rest in the palm of my hand,
These were my thoughts of you
My thoughts of us together in love
You killed me with every beat and every word you spoke
Left me dying and crying, alone, there is silence. I no longer know you
I no longer know myself.
This is what I am and have come to terms with it. A general hatred of the human species is what I hate. I have come to personally hate people because they are full of shit. Who can you trust anymore, not even God above can help, thus I feel.
Its such a sad cause when you can’t depend on nobody. People you consider your friends turn their backs; christians abandon you because your faith in the lord is gone. People are cruel and I hate them. I will admit that there are some people who care, yet that is very few. People live on this planet and you have to deal with them even though people say you should pay them any attention, shit you have to.
I am a misanthrope and I can deal with that. Why depend on people who don’t care. What is caring anymore? No one knows cause everyone is selfish. America is a selfish country and has produced some selfish people who whole power in their hands. Ahh, what do you know people hating people.
Should I just honestly say fuck the world? Or should I just continue to be an misanthrope cause at least my genuine hatred is not false, in which media tries to show. The world is a pity place and God needs to destroy it soon.
There is no hope anymore just a sense of madness further more increasing my hate in this human race making me an misanthrope…
Yeah, here we go again. A time of thinking and recollecting all that has happened these past months. Dreams continue to make me think of better times, yet, I wonder if God evens listens to me, there has to be a different way to be happy. I don’t understand what pain is anymore, it has become a part of me that is living.
They say these feelings shouldn’t become you, however, what do you do when you’re stuck in your existence? A question that many people fail to interpret, however, they always feel that progression is right there. The world is flawed with all their thoughts and perceptions. Does it not bother you when you get up and realize that this life is not the real life expected for you.
They talk about me cause I talk about my views, but aren’t views based on what people show you? People are so quick to judge and never take the time to question. Law is flawed and injustice still prevails, yet, as we try to fight all our fighting is undone. There is nothing we can do to make the world a better place. However, many say we can try, but what is trying but a means of putting effort into something that will continue to be the same. History tends to repeat itself and no one take the time to open their eyes. Everyone is consumed in themselves.
Yeah, you can say I’m selfish, and, you can say I don’t care. Yet, why should I care when in reality people don’t. God is the only one that understands, but, even sometimes I can’t turn to him for answers. Endless thoughts run through my veins, its burns with my mind thinking the worst.
Isn’t the ultimate goal in life to be happy. What is happiness but a feeling that one makes up in the heart, but, what is in a heart, this beating instrument of blood which constantly flows throughout the body, a soul, which is a part of God. Damn the way we’re connected to oneself amuses me, and yet people are still stupid to the reality that is right in front of them.
I’m tired of waiting for an answer. I’m tired of seeing everyone travel, everyone laughing, doing this thing they call enjoying life. Yeah, I want to enjoy life, but when your already dead what can you do.
Who will open their eyes today? No one apparently since we’re all blinded to our own existence…
- Mark Twain” —
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
George Bernard Shaw” —
Maybe I’m just crazy, crazy in thinking that life is not all fun and games. Maybe I’m am the one who is fucked up at least society says so. I have been deemed suicidal, depressed, bi-polar, yet none of these diagnosis seem to be true. True to that fact that everyone has issues and why must I be the one that is left in the darkness.
People are quick to judge based on what they see and not what they know. Just because I voice my opinion, you feel the need to bash me cause you don’t understand my internal hell. Should I be like you because your life is well, No.
We are all different and yes life is hard but you deal, but what happens when you’re done dealing? Do you continue to deal? People have a breaking point yet people just take them for games. Again what is life than? Nothing more than a pure interpretation of one’s mind. There is no real peace in the world just a deadly silence that is waiting to be exposed…
Everyone wishes for world peace not knowing that it will be World Peace that will cause the end of times. Open your eyes and see that everyone does not have to agree with you, or has to be happy because you are…
So I get called miserable, grumpy, weirdo,crazy, sad, stupid, evil just because I’m not happy or think how you think. How’s about you take a good look at yourself, no one is fully happy with their lives, yet we just deal and deal.
I’m tired of people trying to justify my hurt, anger, and grief. Who the fuck are you to analyze me. At the end of the day your a human being just like me and nothing more than that…
To whom could I put this question (with any hope of an answer?)
Does being able to live without someone you loved mean you loved her less than you thought…?” —Roland Barthes “Mourning Dairy” November 28.
Kevin walked into the room and there she was sitting there on the couch legs crossed looking at television,
“Where have you been?”
He didn’t want to reply he know he was out with her, the other girl, the one that fulfilled all his intentions and desires, however he had to return home to his wife, Diana.
Kevin looked directly into her eyes and said nothing, he knew that his non response would cause for consequences, maybe tonight he would have to sleep on the couch, or obtain a key from a hotel receptionist, either way he didn’’t have anything to say. Just last week Diana had been bitching about him not taken up his manly responsibilities, now this week she was in the living room watching Three’s Company. He was tired of it, maybe this could have been his reason for the affair, or maybe he just liked sex, not with his wife but with her.
“Your ass is a cheater, you are worthless, a piece of shit, you hear me Kevin!”
Diana was losing her mind again he though, but he just continued upstairs took off his shoes and clothes and entered the shower. As the liquid slid down his body all he could see was her. Her eyes were green-blue, her skin soft as cotton, her touch heavenly; grabbing the handle bar he almost lost his grip, she was taking over his mental. She was caressing his hairs gently and making him feel more like a man than Diana. She had kissed him in places he had never experienced; she made him shiver with each whisper. Why his wife couldn’t make him feel like this, he thought.
Sliding the shower door over there stood Diana looking at his manhood,
“Ha you couldn’t put that to use if you tried,” she said.
He shook his head and wrapped a towel around his waist and continued over to the sink. Diana was still bitching as he slowly rotated the toothpaste around his gums and teeth. As he spit out the contents in his mouth he saw her again, her caramel complexion was on top of him, she was slowly moving down and touching him, inserting him in her mouth. Dropping his toothbrush Diana was curious,
“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you sick or something?”
Kevin just walked slowly out of the bathroom to his drawer and took out some boxers. As he slowly entered one leg into his purple Fruit of the Looms the phone ring,
“Are you going to get it?” Diana yelled.
Without saying a word Kevin picked up the phone and said,
“Hello. Who is speaking?”
“It’s me, Kevin.” He knew her voice it spoke to his every human sense.
He could see her again. Licking him and scratching him like a lion destroying its prey.
“Elizabeth, why are you calling my house? I told you not at this hour. My psycho wife is here.”
“I need you again,” Elizabeth said sexual. “I want to feel you inside of me, caressing my body. Please Kevin. Please. I can’t do it no more I’m coming over.”
Kevin moved the phone away from his ear. He knew that if Diana found out about Elizabeth he would kill her.
“Lizzy, baby I will meet you at the café on third in fifteen minutes,” Kevin’s voice sounded uneasy.
“Okay, I will be waiting come quick.”
Rushing to leave his house Kevin threw on some grey sweatpants and his Kiss hoodie.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Diana said furiously.
“To get something to eat damnit” Kevin said as he walked to the door.
Diana stood there as Kevin walked out the door. She had enough and she wanted some respect. Looking into the bathroom mirror Diana looked down at her stomach. How was she going to tell Kevin she was pregnant? All she could think about was him cheating so she decided to follow him.
It was cold and the sky was cloudy but she knew something was wrong. All she wanted was her husband to love her. All she wanted was him to caress her like he did in high school, tell her sweet nothings in her ear; but there was another woman, and she could feel it.
At the café on third Kevin sees Elizabeth in a red coat sitting in a booth. He walks over to her,
“Hey baby. Are you okay?” Kevin says softly.
“Yes baby, I just wanted to kiss you and let you know I’m pregnant.”
Kevin was overjoyed he couldn’t believe that he was going to be a father. Diana could never give him children he thought. He pictured himself with Elizabeth happily ever after and having the greatest sex of his life. Suddenly Diana walked in,
“Kevin, you fucking her,” she screamed.
Turning around Kevin was in shock. Elizabeth jumped in front of him and yelled,
“Stop Diana, I’m having his baby.”
Diana started to cry, she knew this couldn’t be true, falling to the floor she yelled at Kevin and wish they were never married,
“You fucking bitch, I’m pregnant too.”
There was a time when I looked at you and everything stood still. What happen to the memories we made?
Now you sit there lonely, tears flowing like falling rain against the window. What have I done to hurt you?
Cheated by your love I want to rip my heart out. I want to feed my existence to the demons you have unleashed against me. Why do you continue to tear at my soul when I no longer am living?
We were together and now you just stare at me. Your eyes are green with envy, and your smile demented. Have you become the devil himself?
I have become rather acquainted with him because he seems to be your friend. I however am a saint. I rescued you from the fires but yet you found your way back.
Was this relationship a failure?
I had to let go but you held the chains too tight. I tried to release myself from your ways. The lies, the games all tormented me. You played twister with my emotions always spinning the wheel on a new color to break my body into two.
Was I not good enough for you?
Sitting her under the sun, my body sweats. Tension has become one with me. I loved you but I can no longer live this insanity.
Gun loaded, trigger pulled back…
Beautiful day. The sky is a bright blue and there is a calming breeze. Spring is in the air. A season of refreshing and change. As people walk I sit and look at gazing eyes. Its a comfortable feelings.
Being in the city has its perks. However there is something that stirs within my stomach. The bubbling sensation has me grasping and breathing rather rapidly. Have I become nervous? Just yesterday things were great. Having talks with you made me believe that we were cool. Yet as you laid your head against my chest I knew something was wrong.
Motionless you were. When I asked if something was wrong you said nothing. That right there was a indication that something indeed was actually wrong. When I asked again you told me to rest my head and close my eyes. My body was tense and I couldn’t rest.
I wanted to know what was on your mind. How I wish I was a physic or a mind reader but I’m only human. When you said you were tired of my bullshit and felt liked I took advantage of your heart my mouth closed. You were right I liked another woman and you know it all alone.
Confused I became trying to make a falsified truth, it wasn’t working. I had admitted to you my internal thoughts, it wasn’t enough. Become more upset I told you to leave. As you buttoned your white shirt and pull up your blue pants I grabbed your arm. I didn’t want to throw away our history even though bad.
I couldn’t look in your eyes. I completed suicide and you stopped yourself. You know my past experiences and pain. Being that you stayed for so long I knew you couldn’t just walk out on me. You remained by my side that night.
I started to kiss your soft lips. As our bodies became one I knew she wasn’t important. I had forgot about you going into my phone and reading that text message. Sweat and moans consumed us. Love was felt once again yet I knew you had enough.
When it was over our naked body laid there. “I love you,” I said. You repeated the saying.
When I woke you were gone. This would be the last time. Looking down at my phone I saw the text massage. A silent tear fell down my face.
Sitting in the park I remember you. As the wind blows ever so gentle through my body I envision your hands caressing my body. However I throw all that away along time ago…
What is it but a statement of purpose, a word of thought that seems to
continuously flow in my veins, my thoughts burn on these pages. The
flame of my words scorn those who read them, it engulfs there mind,
body, their souls become one with the ways of my language.
Have I forgotten my place as an individual in this world. Dreaded with
evils too much to name but many to become subjected. No I say but what
have we come to feel. Is there feeling anymore? When I touch my face
in the morning it doesn’t occur to me that I am a human being. It is
when I put ink to paper and bleed do I become someone and not
Language is so powerful, yet we abuse it. We cut open human flesh with
our words, we beat, blacken, and bruise with the daggers spoken from
ones lips. If for one minute we didn’t pay attention to the language
of the world that is so full of lies, if for one minute we listened to
ourselves, took ourselves serious there could be a change. Yet we
don’t take the time to look into the mirror.
Are we afraid of the monsters we have become? Are we afraid to look at
that which God has given us, a heart? But what is a heart but a
instrument, a beating drum of flowing red liquid which keeps us alive.
But how can we be alive when we live in a world that is already dead?
Are we really living or just walking dead now? The way we live and the
way we die has become a tragedy, our dreams have become hopeless
reality, we are daydreaming and need to wake up. We cannot sleep no
more. We need to start living for us and not for what we seek. All
that material will wash away and their will be nothing left but you.
So I write this statement of purpose as a means of being truthful.
Don’t let the hate of the world take over your mental, use you brain.
A powerful tool that we forget we have.
Stand and do something and not let those who don’t understand stop
you. Everyone will not like you, but if you respect yourself, they
will have no choice but to respect you.
Evening in the sky is bleak, there are times when at sit at the foot
of my bed and think. Mind temples pulsating, palms of my hand
sweating. What could it be tonight?
At that moment when you left my childhood died. Why did you have to
go? Was I not good enough to be your friend, your everything. Many a
days we would play you would hold me close to you, you would whisper
in my ear lovely things, things about us, things about living.
I was living, you were a part of me, but now, your gone. Today is a
lot more tougher than the others, tonight is the anniversary of our
beginning. We started something and you finished it. How was I to know
that we were racing, how was I to know that my heart was nothing more
than the track shoes you stomped on the pavement with.
You killed what was left of me. My tears are burning through my eyes,
I can’t open. Depression sets in. No longer go I want to enjoy, live,
or write. Veins within my pen have stop flowing, only dust rest above
these pages. Thoughts of ending it all continue to entangle me like a
web, a web in which you created with your lies.
Lies that I thought were truths, truths that were ever so present in
our existence. You changed that night, the night when the moon was at
it brightest when our eyes met for the last time. You said it had to
be done, and so like that it was done. Like a judge you convicted me
of not understanding, but I did.
I did understand, now the Sun won’t shine. Winter nights like this
these blankets don’t help, I need your warmth, you left me cold,
freezing, drowning in a sea of my own anguish, slowly sinking never to
be found again.
Why did you go?